


Taako Rates Dick Pics

by preciousbunnynoiz



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Dick Pics, Short, Short One Shot, Silly, This Is STUPID, Youtuber AU, Youtuber Taako, implied taakiz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:34:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24570109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Taako is a youtuber and he is rating dick pics he receives and recreating them out of food.That's it.That's the fic.
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), implied
Comments: 5
Kudos: 86





	Taako Rates Dick Pics

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse

_ Musical intro over a screen that just says Taako in purple glittery lettering _

_ Camera 1: _

_ A tall gangling elf stands leaning back against the counter with a glass of wine held loosely in one hand. He was wearing a purple wide brimmed hat, sunglasses, a pink shirt that read 'Be Gay - Do Crimes' in rainbow lettering, and metallic silver trousers. There is a twisty straw in the glass of wine and as he stares dead into the camera the elf lifts his drink, takes the straw into his mouth, and drinks for a good 30 seconds before pulling it away and taking off his sunglasses. _

“What up you funky little queers. It's cha'boi. Taako. Today I am going to be reviewing the dick pics I get sent on instagram. Only since this is youtube and therefore lame I can’t show you them so I’m going to recreate them as best I can with what I have in my kitchen.” 

“Okay first pic.” 

_ Taako picks up his phone, swipes a bit and then pauses before he gives the camera a look _ . 

_ Camera 2: looking down at the counter top. _

_ Taako's hand is seen slamming down a package of string cheese. Then slamming down some cauliflower, and then a bag of bean sprouts _

_ Camera 1: back to Taako who just raises one eyebrow at the camera. _

_ Camera 2: in a series of jump cuts you see him rip a cheese stick in half, cut the cauliflower in half, and rip open the beansprouts.  _

_ Camera 3: you're looking at the counter side on instead of straight down but in a close up where you can just see Taako's abdomen. _

_ He puts down two pieces of cauliflower, florets facing the camera, then he balances the half a string cheese on top before dumping two heaping handfuls of the beansprouts on the whole mess. Only the tip of the cheese stick can be seen. _

_ Camera 1: back to Taako in all his glory. The sad cheese dick monstrosity on the counter in front of him. _

"Voilà! Dick ala Stained Muscle Shirt on Instagram. I'm not telling you his real handle but as the wolf fucker debacle taught me he's just as likely to out himself…What? This video was always going to be demonetized. Why should I give a fuck about my language?” 

_ Taako takes a drink of wine. _

"Tell me something Sweatstain, why not do a little manscaping before taking a picture and sending it to people? Like shave or not shave it's your choice and your body my dude, but you literally sent it to me to judge. 4 out of 10. At least you're living your truth." 

_ Taako pushes the mess to the side before picking his phone back up. This time his eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, the look he gives the camera is full on disturbed _ . 

_ Camera 2: _

_ A package of meatballs are slapped on the counter followed by a package of sausages, and then a package of liverwurst is very slowly slid into view.  _

_ Camera 1: Taako grimaces at the camera. _

_ Camera 2: the packages are ripped open in quick succession. _

_ Camera 3: two meatballs are placed on the counter, the sausage is balanced on it so it’s pointing up like an erect penis. Then very slowly and gingerly a piece of liverwurst is wrapped around the sausage.  _

_ Camera 1: Taako looks straight down the barrel of the camera. _

“0 out of 10 See a doctor my man.” 

_ Camera 1: Taako uses a wooden spoon to slide the liverwurst sausage mess of camera. He then goes back to his phone. He pauses and then looks at the camera, his mouth open in shock.  _

_ Camera 3: Taako just holds up a rolling pin as he stares down the barrel of the camera.  _

“I am frightened and aroused. 6 out of 10.”

_ Cut to Taako without the rolling pin. He’s looking at his phone again.  _

“Okay so this is live for ya’ll. This boy is asking if I want to take a look at his “big black cock.” Sure go ahead!” 

_ *pause and then Taako starts laughing.* _

“Oh my god! This guy!” 

_ Laughing harder _

“He really meant- Oh my god this is great and I can show you!”

_ A picture pops up in the top left corner, it’s of a black rooster. _

“He was talking about a rooster! Oh my god! Who is this?” 

_ Taako swipes around on his phone and his eyebrows shoot up. _

“Okay damn. Rooster boy is handsome as fuck...also he’s goth? And has a rooster? Oh it’s his mom’s rooster really, he lives……”

_ Taako trails off and then looks up at the camera. _

“Okay Rooster boy gets 10/10 for making me laugh and not sending me a creepy pic. Also he cute so I’m taking this off camera. Rooster boy, if you’re watching? Call me.” 

_ Taako blows a kiss to the camera before a cut to the end card and music outro.  _


End file.
